behind the photocopier, it's warm and quiet just the gentle hum of electricity I'll curl up in a ball and make no noise at all sneak out when everyone leaves at five-thirty sleeping in the office the stationery cupboard has a certain charm the smell of envelopes and printer paper everyone's well stocked and the door is firmly locked sleep the day away and creep home later sleeping in the office sleeping on the job so follow my lead, I'm starting something magical if we sleep all day, we can stay up all night all week long we'll hold movie marathons and drift back off to sleep when it gets light sleeping in the office curl up next to me the working day is eight hours long you can't deny that this was meant to be ------- day moon surprise in the sky if you can get up in the morning then why can't I? day moon shining in the sunlight if you've taken this shift then who will be out tonight? it's always a pleasure to see your face even though you're not supposed to be here you're our closest companion in outer space our month is the same as your year (nearly) day moon you've come out to play but your orbit will inevitably take you away if you google "why is the sun visible in the day" then the first result is an old NASA webpage it says the reason the moon can be seen when it's light is because it's big, and the sun is bright. ------- frost on your whiskers and snow on your paws you can't get a grip on the ice with your claws you can't get back in through a frozen cat flap this weather is too cold too cold for cats you can see your own breath in the kitchen the floor is unpleasant to touch you can feel the winter through the tiles it's all a bit too much you want to be curled up by the fire you want to be happily sleeping you want to be dreaming of chasing birds not shivering and weeping the water in your bowl isn't water any more your tongue sticks when you try to lick it a blanket near a radiator would be just the ticket you want to be curled up on someone's lap you want shelter from the wind and rain but the big freeze has locked you out and you don't know when you'll get back in again ------- the text message you received on your phone said were am eye wheram i spelled wrong and in all lower case wher ammi so you called the number, but no-one picked up it rang and rang and then when you hung up there was one message waiting, so you opened it up it said wherra mi the text message you received on your phone said were am eye wheram i spelled wrong and in all lower case wher ammi you typed "who is this?" and you sent the reply but you got "number not recognised, check and retry" but at the bottom of the error message, some text caught your eye it said werr m ii the text message you received on your phone said where ami wherami no punctuation and barely a space wheream i the constant beeping left you quite upset you got a new number and a new handset there was a voicemail waiting when you turned it on it said I am here. ------- you're not going out there, not opening the door not until the news has stopped reporting on the war not until the coughing and the sneezing have ceased not until people have stopped dying, at least just lock the door and ignore the hysteria no outside contact and no bacteria the room is lit by a flickering TV non-stop coverage of world war three a battle that is not fought between two groups of men but between disease and medicine shelves full of cans and water supplies mask over your face, goggles over your eyes you live every day in fear of a visit yes, you're alive, but what kind of life is it? ------ I still feel embarrassed when I think of the time that we got weighed in class, when I was about nine and when I learned that one person was lighter than me I leapt across the classroom onto a friend's feet as he cursed and whinged and complained of the pain he asked what I was doing, and I had to explain I'd got so used to being the smallest and most light finding out that I was not couldn't help but excite why is this important? why does it matter? in the years since then I've grown taller and fatter and yet the memory sticks, I find myself wincing though I bet no-one else remembers it happening I break out in a sweat when I think of the first day of a new school year and the computers had gone away they replaced BBC micros with a new suite of machines and instead of being thrilled, I turned a little green put my hand up in the air, because I wanted to know if there was a new version of the software logo in which a turtle could be programmed to draw geometric shapes as I would happily draw hexagons in rainy lunch-breaks the class became hushed, the question echoed through the school programming and maths were not particularly cool the teacher said that yes, after what felt like an hour but the new software never had the same turtle power why does this distress me? why does my brain throb? this early interest in computers led me to get a decent job but in the heat of the moment, as the class fell silent the accusing stares felt awful and violent I don't have a good memory, but the things that are crystal clear are the feelings of shame, embarrassment, anxiety and fear there were happy times of course, but they're ill-defined and hazy while the bad stuff still lingers and makes me feel a little crazy why is it the feelings of sadness and terror that stick with us forever? why is it embarrassment and fear that stay with us year after year after year? ------- it's official! somewhere, way down the line there is royal blood in my veins, nobility in my spine trace the family tree back a hundred years or two and a second-cousin married the brother of a duke so I've made a cunning plan, something quite dastardly; I will kill all those with a better claim, the ones in front of me from my initial mental calculations I think it's high time for some assassinations in the line to the throne, I'm one hundred and one... I'm going to need a gun I've checked the paperwork, something is wrong I forgot to carry a first-born son he grew up with questionable habits drink, drugs... and breeding like rabbits so the numbers are in, the results look like this: I've got an unexpectedly large hit list pencil marks and tally charts, time to hit the streets I must commit the most despicable feats in the line to the throne, I'm two-thousand and three looks like I'll need an uzi having gone through the spreadsheet, checked it a bit I'm finally sure that my work's accurate there was an entire branch of the family I hadn't contemplated in versions one, two and three luckily they're local, but my plan seems less clever because by my current estimates, this will take me forever I've worked it out, I've calculated carefully and now it's time to embark on a killing spree in the line to the throne, I'm ten thousand and one... I'm going to need a nuclear bomb ------- driving home through the rain with a two-day hangover avoiding the spray from a battered old rover there's a lorry just sat in the middle lane I assume the driver's lacking a brain he's throwing up clouds of water and steam people are putting their headlights on full-beam you ask me for my estimated time of arrival? at the moment, I'll just settle for survival two strong coffees and a bag of sweets gotta stop my brain from falling asleep sugar pulsing through my veins, foot tapping to the beat gotta stop my brain from falling asleep at the service station, there are six cafés each promising the best coffee on the motorway they can't all be telling the truth, can they? in my confusion I settle for some lucozade back in the car, I search for the way out make a wrong turn, end up heading south but I came from the south, so I need to change direction the sign flashes "queues expected, next five junctions" three strong coffees and a bag of sweets gotta stop my brain from falling asleep sugar pulsing through my veins, foot tapping to the beat gotta stop my brain from falling asleep ------- found myself looking in a different direction than the one I intended to look in took myself down to the local optician and asked if I could book in he checked, and told me "your eyes aren't aligned they need to be rearranged. it's the way they've diverged from a common goal that's making you look strange" I noticed that the new additions to my face made me feel calmer and stronger by hanging two sheets of glass over my eyes I could concentrate on things for longer it's like a superpower, it's a wonderful gift I can sit in the office all day without my vision forcing the decision that I need to get away well you can get in my face, you can try to break me I'm pretty sure I won't be phased these eyes are the windows into my soul but I've had them double glazed so now I've been augmented, I've been upgraded I've got performance enhancing lenses but I can't help thinking I could be persuaded to help out some of my other senses add a hearing aid and a megaphone and I can cope with both loud and quiet if there was a device to improve my taste then I would certainly buy it body covered in beeping devices power-pack strapped on to me I've sorted most things but I can't find a cure for my addictive personality (chorus) ------- I never get the message I never understand even when you write your feelings down and force them into my hand my head is stuffed with cotton wool I'd force your information into my brain if it didn't feel so full so wrap your note around a brick and throw it through my window it's the only way that I will understand as I'm cleaning up the mess your request will process and stick, like the glass into my hand I'm slow on the uptake in a world of my own can't remember how to work the reminders on my phone feels like I'm always running on sand I'm sorry that I don't understand so tie your note to an arrow and fire it into my chest it's the only way that I will ever get it as I'm undergoing surgery I'm work out what you're telling me and I'll be sure to never forget it -------